My thoughts.

It's not fair! How can some women who don't care about kids get pregnant at the drop of a hat and just keep popping them out? I want a baby SO badly and I lost mine! Now it has been 4 months and I am still not pregnant again! WHY was my baby taken from me? What did I do wrong?! I have repented for all my sins and I am sure I was forgiven cause I was sincere when I was asking. I try to be the best wife I can. I'm not a mean person and I don't try to push my morals and beliefs on people. What did I do wrong? Was it the soda or two I would have when I was pregnant? Did that cause the miscarriage? Was it when I got sick from being at that DAMN BBQ contest? I got sick around 6 weeks and I got a pretty high temp so I can't help but think it had something to do with it. Did I not eat right? I tried to eat a lot healthier and I took my vitamins almost every day (sometimes I forgot). I don't understand. What did I do? Maybe I'm not good enough to be a Mom. I'm certainly not good enough for Daniel though I do try be best to be what he deserves. I wish I had an answer. Daniel had a beautiful dream about our little boy. That he was sitting by the gates and God brought Nathan to see him. They talked for a long time. Daniel described Nathan and he sounds beautiful. I wish I could have seen him.

I still have a hard time looking at pregnant women or babies. Seeing my nephew Hayden almost kills me cause he is a reminder of what I am not gonna have in November. Everyone talking about how cute he is and what new things he is doing. I have to fight not to cry. No one besides Daniel wants to talk about my miscarriage. It is like it never happened to them. Like Nathan is not important. They say that I need to get pregnant real quick so they can have a new baby to buy for. Do they understand how much I want this too? No one understands what I wouldn't give to have my baby back. My Mom says it is something you never get over. She still cries when she talks about Terry. I feel so bad now that I never acknowledged Terry as a sibling of mine. Maybe they are playing together up there. Well this thing is long enough now so I will stop. More later!