Wow drama

OK well Daniel told his Mom that we didn't wanna get picked on anymore. Ya he should have sent it to everyone and not just her and he could have worded it better. It caused SO much drama it's unreal! I immediately got blamed for the letter even though I didn't know about it til Daniel told me on his lunch break. I had no idea he was even GONNA send it. He was trying to protect my feelings and I am so grateful that he is willing to put me over his extended family.

OMG his sisters tore him and me a new one. We are no longer talking to Jennifer. Shanna even said some hurtful things too. I have not once told Daniel he can't see his family. I told him I won't see some of them after all this but I told him he can see them if he wants. He told me he won't go without me plus he is mad along with me. It isn't fair how they are treating him after a few requests for them to leave our weight and his hair alone. I also don't want comments about us buying baby stuff. If I see something I want I will buy it. I don't care if Shanna has one I can borrow. It isn't the same theme and I wanna buy baby stuff. I am also gonna start AS SOON as I get pregnant. That to me is thinking positively and I don't wanna not buy stuff "in case of another miscarriage". I know I can have another one as can ANYONE and I'm doing everything I can to prevent that. It's kinda hard to find people family that have never really made me feel 100% comfortable.

I am even not talking to my sister anymore over this and other things that have been going on for a long time. She took their side and started blaming me and calling me names so she can kiss my ass. I didn't do a damn thing. I see where her loyalties lie and they aren't with her own sister or her real mother. It doesn't matter if she likes and get's along with Sandy better. Sandy isn't her mother. (note that Sandy isn't trying to BE her mother Missy is doing this all on her own). Missy was BRAGGING that she lost weight and is 1 fucking size below me so she started saying that I can't go on hiking trails with her cause I would get too tired and complain. Well I can fucking leave Daniel in the dust on 4 or 5 mile long trails that are mainly up hill so bite me.

We decided to give his parents another try. Not sure about Shanna and NOT EVER giving Jennifer another try. Not after what she said to me. If anyone says another thing I will leave and not come back. This is the best I can do. I really don't want to hurt Daniel and I know it does him being in the middle between me and his parents and sisters but I won't take being made fuin of anymore. I took it growing up from my extended family and people in school and I won't take it anymore.

Ok I'm done ranting for now......

Daniel's birthday!

I Hope Daniel has a good birthday. I baked him a cake from scratch. His present has to wait til this weekend when he gets paid lol.

Last night wasn't good though. I found out yesterday that a friend of mine from high school who is bisexual, a swinger, and truthfully shouldn't be having a baby is 3 months pregnant. That brought up a lot of emotions for me that I thought I had buried pretty well. I guess not though. I cried for about an hour before Daniel woke up and made me talk to him about why I was crying. That only made me cry harder. He talked me me for about another hour trying to calm me down. I finally was able to supress it again so he could go to sleep since it was almost 3 in the morning. I shouldn't have done that to him last night. Not with it being his birthday today. I was being a baby and he didn't deserve that. I am trying to make it up to him today by making sure the house is clean and doing everything he needs. I am thinging of mowing the yard too. It will suck cause I'm allergic to chiggers.....oh well.

Dang

I took a test yesterday and it was a BFN (Big Fat Negative). I was bummed but I didn't have my period yet so I was still hopeful. Today I am starting to spot. It is still light pink but it is starting like every other period since my miscarriage. Oh well....on to a new cycle. Maybe this time. This will also give me more time to loose weight before having a baby.

Still no period

Well AF (aunt flo - period) was suppose to come Wednesday and she still isn't here. I don't know. I don't seem to be having a ton of symptoms and if I am pregnant that will only worry my more. I don't see and sign of AF. No symptoms she is gonna come either. I have no idea what is going on. I hope I am pregnant with a baby that sticks this time! That would make me SO happy! Well if I still have no AF tomorrow I am gonna test.

I will kill Daniel.....lol

OK I'm just sitting here looking at BBC and Facebook when Daniel gets home on an early lunch (and didn't tell me) and pounds on the window next to me! I almost met him at the door with a gun cause I didn't know he was getting home early and I didn't know who it was! The butthead....Anyway. My period didn't show this morning so I'm hoping that is a good sign. The last couple of periods have been coming at 30 days instead of my normal 28 so if it does this time too I will know that the miscarriage changed my cycles. I am trying my best to wait til Saturday to take my last pregnancy test. I swear the women on BBC have made me a POAS-aholic (Pee On A Stick-aholic). They will love that fact LOL! Well I have cleaning and dishes to do so BYE BYE!

My thoughts.

It's not fair! How can some women who don't care about kids get pregnant at the drop of a hat and just keep popping them out? I want a baby SO badly and I lost mine! Now it has been 4 months and I am still not pregnant again! WHY was my baby taken from me? What did I do wrong?! I have repented for all my sins and I am sure I was forgiven cause I was sincere when I was asking. I try to be the best wife I can. I'm not a mean person and I don't try to push my morals and beliefs on people. What did I do wrong? Was it the soda or two I would have when I was pregnant? Did that cause the miscarriage? Was it when I got sick from being at that DAMN BBQ contest? I got sick around 6 weeks and I got a pretty high temp so I can't help but think it had something to do with it. Did I not eat right? I tried to eat a lot healthier and I took my vitamins almost every day (sometimes I forgot). I don't understand. What did I do? Maybe I'm not good enough to be a Mom. I'm certainly not good enough for Daniel though I do try be best to be what he deserves. I wish I had an answer. Daniel had a beautiful dream about our little boy. That he was sitting by the gates and God brought Nathan to see him. They talked for a long time. Daniel described Nathan and he sounds beautiful. I wish I could have seen him.

I still have a hard time looking at pregnant women or babies. Seeing my nephew Hayden almost kills me cause he is a reminder of what I am not gonna have in November. Everyone talking about how cute he is and what new things he is doing. I have to fight not to cry. No one besides Daniel wants to talk about my miscarriage. It is like it never happened to them. Like Nathan is not important. They say that I need to get pregnant real quick so they can have a new baby to buy for. Do they understand how much I want this too? No one understands what I wouldn't give to have my baby back. My Mom says it is something you never get over. She still cries when she talks about Terry. I feel so bad now that I never acknowledged Terry as a sibling of mine. Maybe they are playing together up there. Well this thing is long enough now so I will stop. More later!

First post!

Wow ok where to begin? OK! Well Daniel and I met online in April of 2008. About May first he asked me for my number and gave me his. We talked for about 2 weeks constantly. I liked him a lot and before I would pursue a relationship I asked my Mom how she would feel about me moving to Arkansas. She told me it is my decision. She only wants me to be happy. On May 10th he asked me to be his girlfriend, I was so excited cause I was already in love with him lol. I would picture us getting married and having babies and being so happy. We would talk constantly but my house phone I was talking on hindered that cause it kept dyeing lol so Daniel bought me a cell phone. After that we talked from the time we woke up til we went to bed at night. Everyone said we would get tired of talking to each other and run out of things to say but we never did. I fell more in love with him as time went on. He is different then any other man I have ever met. He is sweet and sensitive. He feels everything deeply and sometimes has a difficult time expressing his feelings. His goal in life was to make me happy and I have never known that before him. I had been hurt a lot in my life and normally I have a VERY tough time trusting anyone. He won my trust over easily and has made it his goal to never loose it. August of that year I flew here to Arkansas to visit him for his birthday. That was the best time I have ever had and it tore me apart to leave. We sped up my moving here and getting married cause we couldn't take being apart. September 4th I moved here. Time sped on and October 25th we got married! I was so darn happy and NERVOUS! I have never been the center of attention and I usually strive to stay out of it! Then there was nothing I could do cause the bride is ALWAYS the center. I made it past that day lol. I so could not wait to get out of that dress. It was SO uncomfortable!

We started trying for a baby as soon as I moved here. We finally got pregnant in February. I was over the moon to be a Mommy. I would picture my life with a baby and started making plans. I couldn’t believe that I was actually going to be a mommy. It worried me that I never seemed to have many symptoms but I figured that some women just don’t have them and I moved along in my pregnancy. At 6 weeks I started spotting, and it was light to medium pink not red like everyone says to watch out for. I was assured by my doctor that it was normal because it wasn’t red and I wasn’t cramping. The spotting stopped and I went on thinking everything was normal. I was making plans for the baby and my Mom was buying stuff for him (I felt strongly that it was going to be a boy). Everything was great. I was still worried about the lack of symptoms. Everyone kept saying that some women just don’t get morning sickness and all that so I was trying to be positive.

Then at 11 weeks I started spotting again. The first couple of days it was light to medium pink with no cramping again. I was told I could be one of those women who have a period while pregnant. I was getting more worried as time went on because it kept getting darker but still no cramping. Then one morning I checked and my underwear was soaked in red blood. I was terrified but I was still NOT cramping. My husband Daniel took off from work and took me to the emergency room. I was brought to the back rather quickly. They took urine and blood and did a vaginal ultrasound. That is when I saw the baby. He measured 6 weeks 4 days and had no heartbeat. He died around the time I was spotting before. It felt like someone drove a knife into my chest. I couldn’t breath, and I couldn’t speak, and I couldn’t feel anything. I just started crying and Daniel held me and tried to comfort me even though he was hurting too. It felt like I was dyeing but I wasn’t. I know I’m not making any sense but that is how I felt.

The doctor tried to be optimistic by saying maybe my dates were off and I was only 6 weeks. He has seen weirder stuff happen, but I knew when I got pregnant. I knew how far along I was, and 6 weeks wasn’t it. The day after I started bleeding heavily and continued bleeding for 3 more weeks before everything was purged and the bleeding stopped. I still spotted for about another month though.